I now know why I consistently fail to find a suitable property to buy. I used to think it was because the market is flooded with Sylvanian Family-sized homes at Bill Gates-sized prices. Mais non. The problem, it transpires, has all to do with me. The truth became clear to me after reading a press release, which explained how men and women have different views on what makes the perfect home.

Property psychology expert Emily Aklan (and, yes, I too was surprised to discover that there is such a profession as property psychologist) says that men uphold their traditional role of hunter-gatherer when looking for a house, while ‘a woman’s priority quite often is providing a warm, safe environment for her family.’

As a result, men want a functional space with enough bedrooms, a garage and practical outdoor space. Women, by contrast, ‘feel that their home is more of a sanctuary than a hotel,’ according to the press release, and look for fitted wardrobes, alcoves, and outdoor details ‘such as if there is decking for al fresco dining, landscaping or lighting.

‘Women,’ it went on, ‘are more inclined to consider which fashionable wallpaper to mount rather than if the shower or double glazing needs replacing.’

And this, really, is when all became clear to me. I clearly come from neither Mars nor Venus, but a galaxy far, far away. Make that a different universe altogether. One where women don’t give a hoot about wallpaper (fashionable or otherwise) and al fresco dining (with all those insects? Are you insane?) but are very keen on adequate bedroom space; where alcoves are nightmare to clean for both genders; and where a home is neither a sanctuary not a hotel but, well, a place to live.

That’s why I can’t find a home?I am a changeling on the wrong planet. Now, I know you are probably thinking this is a crackpot theory but it makes eminent sense. Why, it even explains why I love the spicy food and raw meat carpaccios that the rest of my family unanimously loathes. The only thing left to me is to try and find a home somewhere in Andromeda. Bet it would be cheap too.

For those of you who do come from Mars, or Venus, though, Ms Aklan offers advice to find the perfect home on +44 (0)208 368 7217.