Sophia Money-Coutts: A snob's guide to meeting your in-laws for the first time

Let’s say they’re not quite in-laws yet because these aren’t the Victorian times. But perhaps you’ve been dating for a few months and the moment has arrived. You’re meeting the people who could, maybe one day, be your in-laws. Hopefully you won’t do as badly as one of my friends, who was caught, ahem, at it in the garden with their daughter during his weekend there. That didn’t make much of an impression.

Meanwhile, I once spent an entire weekend, the first time I met the parents, having my leg rogered by their dog. ‘He only does this to people he really likes,’ the mother kept saying gaily, dragging the labrador off again as I dusted down my tidy trousers.

Ultimately, of course, the thing to be is charming and to join in. If it’s simply lunch or dinner, you can do this by asking plenty of questions. Not deeply personal questions. ‘Have you ever thought of having that mole removed, Mrs Smith?’ No, not that sort of thing. But quiz your other half about them beforehand so you have some questions up your sleeve, and then you could try something like ‘Apparently you’re into Morris dancing, Mr Smith. That sounds fascinating. Do tell me more.’

If you’re going to stay with them, joining in means being helpful — offering to unload the dishwasher, offering to help chop vegetables, offering to lay the table. And offer to strip your bed when you leave. Compliment the house, compliment the comfortable bedding, compliment the garden. You won’t always have to be such an ingratiating creep, but if you really like this person, then first impressions on his or her family matter.

Oh, and compliment the cooking. But mind how you go, because an ex-girlfriend of one of my brothers took it upon herself to compliment my father on a barbecued sausage one summer. ‘Mmm,’ she said, shooting a very deliberate look at my brother across the table, ‘this is the second-best thing I’ve had in my mouth all day.’ I probably wouldn’t go that far, but ‘mmm, delicious chicken,’ or ‘what a sensational crumble’ is about right.

And if they’ve picked up the tab for lunch or dinner, or you’ve been to stay with them, send a thank you card. I’ve had to prod various ex-boyfriends to send a note to my parents after certain events, which is excruciating and unsexy, like reminding a child they need to send thank you letters after Christmas, and quite possibly why I haven’t ended up with any of them. A proper thank you, in this situation, goes a long way. Particularly if you made a bawdy and inappropriate joke over lunch.