And as far-fetched as all this sounds now, we'd not be surprised if things turned out even more strangely than what follows...
January
Garden centres have never had it so good, as politicians rush to fulfil ludicrous manifesto promises about tree planting. Unfortunately, a freezing January means that only the regrettably tiny handful of farming MPs are beefy enough to get their shovels into the ground.
February
Actors who have the temerity to be talented as well as privately educated are banned from the month’s glittering awards ceremonies, but a breakout category, #FloreatEton, honours Olivia Colman (Greshams) and Tobias Menzies (Frensham Heights) for The Crown.
March
An unforeseen Brexit glitch prevents Irish horses travelling to the Cheltenham Festival; Cheltenham being unthinkable without the Irish, the mountain travels to Mohammed and English racegoers enjoy themselves so much there’s a rush on long-lost Irish relatives and new passports. They might as well stay there anyway — they’ve not only lost their shirts, but their entire luggage on Ryanair.
April
Heavy showers swell the Thames to the extent that Waterloo station turns into a quay, but commuters are agreeably surprised when river transport turns out to be faster and more reliable than South Western Railway.
May
Sir David Attenborough, the oldest ever astronaut, launches his next series: Don’t Panic: There’s Life on Mars.
June
Devotees mark the Summer Solstice with the first ever vegan hog roast.
July
Biblical flooding plays havoc with holiday plans, but, in Surrey, wild swimmers are thrilled by the natural lake that’s formed in the Devil’s Punchbowl. At Wimbledon, floating white lines are erected and ball boys and girls issued with flippers; summer-sales bargain hunters kayak down Oxford Street to beat the rush.
August
The Proms programme is re-worked to include Handel’s Water Music, Britten’s Noye’s Fludde and Rubinstein’s Ocean Symphony. The Last Night includes a rousing chorus of ‘He gave them hailstones for rain’ and For Those in Peril on the Sea replaces the traditional Land of Hope and Glory.
September
MPs return to the House of Commons by coracle; Prime Minister Johnson is excused from explaining his Brexit deal in detail, but not until floodwater in the chamber rises to neck height.
October
It never rains but it pours: a Harvest Festival service in rural Kent is halted due to a giant, waterlogged pumpkin blocking the church door. The Booker Prize is divided six ways after new research warns that competition causes hurt feelings and unacceptable stress.
November
The US Presidential election is declared null and void after evidence emerges of alien interference.
December
Greta Thunberg arrives in Oslo on a sleigh pulled by methane-free reindeer to receive the Nobel Peace Prize on account of being the only person able to get there without leaving a carbon footprint.
Happy New Year!
The 15 best pictures from the National Trust's photo competition to find a cover for its 2020 member handbook
A beautiful image of a nature reserve on the Isle of Wight has won the honour of being on the
The best pubs in Britain for 2020 have been named — and the top two are within a few minutes of each other
The North-Western county has triumphed in the latest Good Pub Guide awards, with local pubs taking two top spots and
Six utterly glorious images of Britain's natural wonders, to inspire you and help out the John Muir Trust in 2020
The John Muir Trust's Wild Nature diary and calendar is filled with stunning images of our natural wonders.
-
‘Its loss became a cautionary tale, and a rallying cry for architectural conservation’: The rise and fall and renewed interest in Ireland’s remarkable country housesLesley Bond traces a brief history of Ireland’s country houses and questions whether you can ever separate the house from the history it represents.
-
Alan Titchmarsh: 'I am so weary of seeing Lutyens-style benches and chairs absolutely everywhere'A strategically placed chair doubles as a focal point and a spot to rest — but we need to move on from Lutyens-style ones says our regular garden columnist.
-
Will Hosie: I'm bored of West End remakes — risky business should be the norm, not the anomalyIs the West End becoming a broken record?
-
In our built heritage, is the truth stranger than fiction?Athena considers how our historic buildings are presented in an age of film and television.
-
Will Hosie: In defence of gatekeeping and why we have to stop confusing TopJaw with proper critiqueModern audiences expect critics to keep up with the times, but it's always been their job to keep some places under wraps.
-
Defanging the Gardens Trust will hurt our most precious landscapesThe Government has proposed to remove the Garden Trust's position as a statutory consultee in planning permissions for up to 1,700 historic landscapes and gardens in order to speed up building.
-
Patrick Galbraith: 'The publishing company I had just begun working for went pop pretty spectacularly. Capitalism is a bucking bronco and occasionally you hit the ground'Our columnist discovers that being in your early 30s can be quite confusing.
-
Art saved for the nation? Not enough, it would seemThe recent publication of a report on export control of art from the UK makes depressing reading.
-
The quiet corner of Suffolk where the country pub is thriving — and why it mattersPubs are more than just a place for a drink, they are the heartbeat of rural communities. Agromenes celebrates their survival.
-
Opinion: If we want to keep our architectural heritage, why do we tax those who repair it?It beggars belief that the state lists buildings in order to protect them — and then doesn’t contribute to their upkeep, says Country Life columnist Agromenes.
