And as far-fetched as all this sounds now, we'd not be surprised if things turned out even more strangely than what follows...
January
Garden centres have never had it so good, as politicians rush to fulfil ludicrous manifesto promises about tree planting. Unfortunately, a freezing January means that only the regrettably tiny handful of farming MPs are beefy enough to get their shovels into the ground.
February
Actors who have the temerity to be talented as well as privately educated are banned from the month’s glittering awards ceremonies, but a breakout category, #FloreatEton, honours Olivia Colman (Greshams) and Tobias Menzies (Frensham Heights) for The Crown.
March
An unforeseen Brexit glitch prevents Irish horses travelling to the Cheltenham Festival; Cheltenham being unthinkable without the Irish, the mountain travels to Mohammed and English racegoers enjoy themselves so much there’s a rush on long-lost Irish relatives and new passports. They might as well stay there anyway — they’ve not only lost their shirts, but their entire luggage on Ryanair.
April
Heavy showers swell the Thames to the extent that Waterloo station turns into a quay, but commuters are agreeably surprised when river transport turns out to be faster and more reliable than South Western Railway.
May
Sir David Attenborough, the oldest ever astronaut, launches his next series: Don’t Panic: There’s Life on Mars.
June
Devotees mark the Summer Solstice with the first ever vegan hog roast.
July
Biblical flooding plays havoc with holiday plans, but, in Surrey, wild swimmers are thrilled by the natural lake that’s formed in the Devil’s Punchbowl. At Wimbledon, floating white lines are erected and ball boys and girls issued with flippers; summer-sales bargain hunters kayak down Oxford Street to beat the rush.
August
The Proms programme is re-worked to include Handel’s Water Music, Britten’s Noye’s Fludde and Rubinstein’s Ocean Symphony. The Last Night includes a rousing chorus of ‘He gave them hailstones for rain’ and For Those in Peril on the Sea replaces the traditional Land of Hope and Glory.
September
MPs return to the House of Commons by coracle; Prime Minister Johnson is excused from explaining his Brexit deal in detail, but not until floodwater in the chamber rises to neck height.
October
It never rains but it pours: a Harvest Festival service in rural Kent is halted due to a giant, waterlogged pumpkin blocking the church door. The Booker Prize is divided six ways after new research warns that competition causes hurt feelings and unacceptable stress.
November
The US Presidential election is declared null and void after evidence emerges of alien interference.
December
Greta Thunberg arrives in Oslo on a sleigh pulled by methane-free reindeer to receive the Nobel Peace Prize on account of being the only person able to get there without leaving a carbon footprint.
Happy New Year!
The 15 best pictures from the National Trust's photo competition to find a cover for its 2020 member handbook
A beautiful image of a nature reserve on the Isle of Wight has won the honour of being on the
The best pubs in Britain for 2020 have been named — and the top two are within a few minutes of each other
The North-Western county has triumphed in the latest Good Pub Guide awards, with local pubs taking two top spots and
Six utterly glorious images of Britain's natural wonders, to inspire you and help out the John Muir Trust in 2020
The John Muir Trust's Wild Nature diary and calendar is filled with stunning images of our natural wonders.
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Can you buy happiness? The latest list of Britain's happiest places, and what you could end up with if you moved thereCan you buy happiness? Of course not, but you can buy a nicer house in a better town... and, well, that's probably going to help quite a bit.
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Is the British Museum's attempt to save a Tudor-era pendant with links to Henry VIII proof that the institution is on the up?After years of neglect and controversy, Britain's premier cultural institution seems to be finding its feet again.
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Is the British Museum's attempt to save a Tudor-era pendant with links to Henry VIII proof that the institution is on the up?
After years of neglect and controversy, Britain's premier cultural institution seems to be finding its feet again.
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I was Jeremy Hunt’s main political adviser and helped put together multiple Autumn Statements and Budgets. This is what I think Rachel Reeves’s Budget means for the countrysideAdam Smith, former chief of staff to the Chancellor of the Exchequer, reflects on what last week's Budget means for the countryside and how we ensure the rural voice is heard loudly inside Budget preparations.
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‘I cannot bring myself to believe that Emily Brontë would be turning over in her grave at the idea of Jacob Elordi tightening breathless Barbie’s corset’: In defence of radical adaptationsA trailer for the upcoming adaptation of 'Wuthering Heights' has left half of Britain clutching their pearls. What's the fuss, questions Laura Kay, who argues in defence of radical adaptations of classic literature.
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53 years ago, a Wren masterpiece was replaced with a glorified roundabout. We must not make the same mistake againThe plans to rid Christ Church Newgate Street of traffic should be cause for celebration — but a mistake as bad as the one made in the 1970s is about to happen, says Ptolemy Dean.
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Nothing is more important than trust, and our institutions would be wise not to undermine itFrom big businesses marking their own homework, to the debacle at the BBC, trust has never been more important.
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The Budget: What do we need to fix a broken countryside, and what will we get?With the Autumn Budget looming, countryside and heritage organisations reveal what they are hoping to hear to fix the turmoil — and what they are dreading
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The Labour government of the 1970s saved our country houses. Will a Labour government of the 2020s save our country churches?Why not invest to save the most valuable community resources we have, perfectly placed at the heart of communities?
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William Hanson's 39 steps to being a gentlemanMany have attempted to update the codes of gentlemanly conduct for 2025, but as, William Hanson shows, the timeless rules are still the best ones
