And as far-fetched as all this sounds now, we'd not be surprised if things turned out even more strangely than what follows...
January
Garden centres have never had it so good, as politicians rush to fulfil ludicrous manifesto promises about tree planting. Unfortunately, a freezing January means that only the regrettably tiny handful of farming MPs are beefy enough to get their shovels into the ground.
February
Actors who have the temerity to be talented as well as privately educated are banned from the month’s glittering awards ceremonies, but a breakout category, #FloreatEton, honours Olivia Colman (Greshams) and Tobias Menzies (Frensham Heights) for The Crown.
March
An unforeseen Brexit glitch prevents Irish horses travelling to the Cheltenham Festival; Cheltenham being unthinkable without the Irish, the mountain travels to Mohammed and English racegoers enjoy themselves so much there’s a rush on long-lost Irish relatives and new passports. They might as well stay there anyway — they’ve not only lost their shirts, but their entire luggage on Ryanair.
April
Heavy showers swell the Thames to the extent that Waterloo station turns into a quay, but commuters are agreeably surprised when river transport turns out to be faster and more reliable than South Western Railway.
May
Sir David Attenborough, the oldest ever astronaut, launches his next series: Don’t Panic: There’s Life on Mars.
June
Devotees mark the Summer Solstice with the first ever vegan hog roast.
July
Biblical flooding plays havoc with holiday plans, but, in Surrey, wild swimmers are thrilled by the natural lake that’s formed in the Devil’s Punchbowl. At Wimbledon, floating white lines are erected and ball boys and girls issued with flippers; summer-sales bargain hunters kayak down Oxford Street to beat the rush.
August
The Proms programme is re-worked to include Handel’s Water Music, Britten’s Noye’s Fludde and Rubinstein’s Ocean Symphony. The Last Night includes a rousing chorus of ‘He gave them hailstones for rain’ and For Those in Peril on the Sea replaces the traditional Land of Hope and Glory.
September
MPs return to the House of Commons by coracle; Prime Minister Johnson is excused from explaining his Brexit deal in detail, but not until floodwater in the chamber rises to neck height.
October
It never rains but it pours: a Harvest Festival service in rural Kent is halted due to a giant, waterlogged pumpkin blocking the church door. The Booker Prize is divided six ways after new research warns that competition causes hurt feelings and unacceptable stress.
November
The US Presidential election is declared null and void after evidence emerges of alien interference.
December
Greta Thunberg arrives in Oslo on a sleigh pulled by methane-free reindeer to receive the Nobel Peace Prize on account of being the only person able to get there without leaving a carbon footprint.
Happy New Year!
The 15 best pictures from the National Trust's photo competition to find a cover for its 2020 member handbook
A beautiful image of a nature reserve on the Isle of Wight has won the honour of being on the
The best pubs in Britain for 2020 have been named — and the top two are within a few minutes of each other
The North-Western county has triumphed in the latest Good Pub Guide awards, with local pubs taking two top spots and
Six utterly glorious images of Britain's natural wonders, to inspire you and help out the John Muir Trust in 2020
The John Muir Trust's Wild Nature diary and calendar is filled with stunning images of our natural wonders.
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The Henry VII-era house that was dismantled piece by piece and shipped to the USAAgecroft Hall, near Manchester, didn't meet the same miserable end as some of Britain's other country homes. Instead, it was shipped to the USA and repurposed as a museum.
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‘The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago; the second best time is now'Now is the time to firstly, hug a tree, and secondly, plant some more — in increasingly imaginative ways.
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‘The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago; the second best time is now'
Now is the time to firstly, hug a tree, and secondly, plant some more — in increasingly imaginative ways.
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Nôtre-Dame: An over-crowded Parisian triumphAthena visits the re-built French wonder, and is more than impressed by the restoration work that has been completed so far.
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Agromenes: Evolution, not revolution, is what we need for a green and sustainable futureThe short-term pain of a green transition will be worth it in the long run. What we need is some bold vision to get there.
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The proposed National Gallery extension is a ray of light in a stormy sectorThe announcement of a new wing for one of the nation's top art galleries 'is a transformative initiative undertaken through private philanthropy to clear and universal benefit. What is there not to celebrate?'
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Don't blame it on the sunshine, don't blame it on the moonlight, don't blame it on the good times, blame it on the batsBats and newts are an easy target, but can they actually be blamed for not building enough houses?
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Agromenes: Why is our tax money not being spent on British food?A Freedom of Information request reveals that many of our local councils and government departments aren't buying British-grown food. It's an insult to our farmers.
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Affordable, sustainable, rural: How a group of volunteers embarrassed the government and built some of the best new homes in the countryHazelmead has won almost every RIBA award going. The development on the outskirts of Bridport might be a springboard for a rural housing revolution, much like the Arts-and-Crafts movement more than a century ago.
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William Hanson: Why etiquette must evolve to suit modern lifeNoodle slurping and the left-handed taboo. The king of modern manners details the evolution of proper conduct in his latest book.
