'I can get the same sort of wellbeing from a glass of wine in the bath': A snob’s guide to pretending you like cold-water swimming
As temperatures rise so too will the calls to go cold-water swimming — much to Sophia Money-Coutt's chagrin.
As the old joke goes, how do you know if someone’s into cold-water swimming? Answer: they’ll tell you. These days, more and more of these people move among us. ‘Oh I simply can’t start my day without a dip,’ they cry, before listing multiple ailments that have mysteriously been improved by their new habit of flinging themselves into the nearest river or pond like a Labrador.
One dubious website extolling cold-water swimming’s virtues lists as many as 50 benefits. These include, but are not limited to: it boosts the immune system, increases one’s metabolism, promotes better sleep, helps the libido (how, exactly?), improves balance and memory, apparently, ‘because the anti-inflammatory effect… is beneficial in those experiencing dementia or other memory deficits.’ None of these are medically proven, I’d like to add.
I remain unconvinced by cold-water swimming. Even the phrase is silly. Performative. What’s wrong with simply ‘swimming’? It’s not as if you’re going to be ‘hot water’ swimming in your local river, is it? The kind of swimming I like is on a hot day, with a cool (ish) swimming pool nearby, along with a sunbed and a plentiful supply of dry towels. I’m not that interested in slipping into a body of water that’s murky, potentially hiding creatures, and which may make you ill.
‘It’s lovely once you’re in!’ comes the smug cry from someone who stripped off and waded straight in. Meanwhile, you stand there shivering on the bank, extremely unwilling to peel off your coat and even less willing to stick a body part, any body part, into the brown water that will — supposedly — leave you feeling so perky.
The last time I managed it was in Guernsey, where cold-water swimming is very popular. Little wonder, they have sensationally pretty beaches and coves which are, on the face of it, much more inviting than, say, a grubby canal.
And yet a mere toe in the water felt enough for frostbite. ‘Come on, it’s gorgeous!’ friends shouted from the sea where they were, naturally, already bobbing about like seals. I managed almost a minute in the water and then scurried out again. Sure, I felt a vague warm glow once I’d pulled my clothes back on again, but I can get the same sort of wellbeing from a glass of wine in the bath.
If you find yourself staying with friends who insist on this tiresome practice, you could either claim you’ve forgotten your swimmers (although in my experience those who are keen on this pastime are gung-ho sorts who won’t brook this kind of excuse). You could feign a heart condition, or a recent chest infection. Or, if you don’t want to feel a stick-in-the-mud, you could join in — but very briefly.
‘Is there a dryrobe I could borrow?’ you can ask, to make it sound as if you know what you’re talking about when it comes to the clobber.
Arrive at said location and strip off quickly, as if to denote enthusiasm. The quicker you get in, the quicker you can get out again. Try not to take half an hour to get in. That only prolongs the torture. Jump, if you can. A short sharp shock to the nether regions, but at least then you’re submerged. Splash around a bit, exclaim how lovely is it, make sure everyone sees you, and then you can claim cramp and hop out again. Bravo. Now go and have a hot shower.
