BMW X7 M60i: A car that can somehow do absolutely everything

The first thing I noticed when driving the rambunctious BMW X7 M60i is that there are a lot of BMWs about. Not only do BMW make a lot of different types of car, but a lot of people buy them, in London and beyond. The Bavarian Motor Works has conquered the UK roads with cars both big and small and while it might be fun to consider why, the answer is likely the simplest — because they are good. There is an army of 'beemers' on these shores. Every army needs its general, and it would be hard to look past the X7 as the commander-in-chief.

The key to any great leader, whether on the battlefield or in a mundane corporate world, is the ability to lead by example. If the X7 is to be the head of the BMW stable, it must be all things to all people. Can it be a large, spacious people carrier? Can it be luxurious? Can it go up and down muddy hills? And can it drive the B- and A-road of Britain like a sports car half its size? A difficult, but not impossible, exam to pass.

So what tools does the X7 have? Plenty, it would seem. A 4.4-litre petrol V8, with twin turbos, provides a wholesome 530bhp. A small battery system provides a little more razzmatazz to fill in any gaps, culminating in a 0-60 time of about 4.7 seconds and a top-speed that would be much higher than the restricted 155mph.

There are seven seats (all electric) and the boot (in a five-seat setup) offers more than 700litres of space. With everything down, it’s a whopping 2,000litres. Lots of technology and things to play with, all of which works, because it’s German, and leather for days. The wheels are 22-inch alloys and they look great.

So what can it do? As a luxurious people mover, it simply excels. The vast cabin is as comfortable as the finest modernist members club, with black and silver detailing creating a contemporary aesthetic that is only enhanced by the puffy luxury that it’s attached to. The seats are wonderful. The driving position is sublime and it devours miles on the motorway with consummate ease. It is unfussy, elegant and quiet, and you quickly forget the sheer power that exists under your right foot, should you need it.

And when you do need it, it’s there. The battery pack feeds in while the turbos spool up, creating a surprisingly linear package that allows you to go up and down the 8-speed box with ease. Splendid stuff.

But it gets better. When the motorway is done, and you feel like you might want to do some driving with a capital D, a quick switch into sport mode unlocks all the potential of the X7. A reminder — this car is 5.1 metres long, 2 metres wide, and weighs 2,600kgs. And yet.

When the switch is turned, when the cabin lighting goes from blue to red, you may as well be driving a different car. You can feel everything tighten up, from the seats to the suspension to the engine. It’s like it suddenly sucks itself to the road, and off you go. The balance through the corners is exceptional — a car this big should roll, but it doesn’t. The acceleration is instant — a car this heavy shouldn’t move like this, but it does. It is, suddenly, a sports car, a classic BMW M car. It’s jaw-droppingly bizarre, like if an elephant could hula hoop.

And the icing on the cake is the noise. It spits and snarls, the exhaust crackling when the foot is lifted. It is impossible not to smile, both in disbelief how a car this big can do these things, but also because it is very very fun.

The answer to the question of 'how' is, of course, technology. There’s no doubt that our friends from Bavaria can make a good engine and a good chassis, but they also make a lot of good computers that put everything together, that turn all four wheels and stiffen suspension rods at the right times and keeps you on the right track. Can you tell that something else is doing a lot of the work? You cannot, because you are having too much fun driving something that feels like an M4 but is also, absolutely, unequivocally, not an M4.

It’s nice that the X7 can do this, but it is not what the X7 is supposed to do. It is, in theory, supposed to be able to transport seven people, or five people and some luggage, or two people and lots of luggage, anywhere and over anything. If there’s one accusation that is often levied against BMWs and especially their SUV offerings, it’s that they are for ‘show’ rather than for getting muddy. Step forward a muddy quarry in West Sussex.

So confident were the people of BMW in the X7’s abilities over mud, hills and rocks, that the car was dressed in Pirelli P-Zero tyres. In simple terms, it would be like making Lionel Messi play football in stilettos. It is about as appropriate as a velcro wallet in a Gentlemen’s Club. But up and down, over and through we went, with the minimum of fuss. Again, the combination of a good engine, good chassis and lots of clever computers makes everything unnaturally easy. All in squishy leather with Classic FM in the background.

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But every car has a weakness, and so too the X7. Thankfully, it is a purely cosmetic one. The issue with companies such as Coca Cola, from an advertising perspective, is that their brand is so well known, so popular, that it is almost impossible to 'make a splash'. Perhaps that was the concern at BMW, because the X7 is, well, curious to look at. It’s not bold enough to be a statement, nor elegant enough to turn a head. But it also doesn’t look very BMW. It’s not ugly, but it’s not much of anything either. To be fair to BMW, this is not a problem specific to them, but the industry in general. Everything is getting a bit weird in the art departments.

It is also not the most economical car. But if you are looking to buy a V8 SUV, and are also looking for economy, I am not sure what to tell you.

How to sum up the X7 M60i then. In simple terms, it is 'buy one, get one free'. Engineering is wonderful work, because few people understand it, but it can create great things. It shouldn’t be possible for the X7 to be fun, fast and frisky, but it is. A car that is fun and fast and frisky shouldn’t be able to drive up and down muddy hills in West Sussex, but it can.

And in between the two, ever-present comfort. The price tag — about £116,000 — is high for a car that can do one or the other. But for both? Something of a steal. The BMW pack is large and wide, but the X7 sits comfortably at the top. A true leader.