Sophia Money-Coutts: 'Strictly Come Dancing' is back and I hate it. Do I have to pretend otherwise for the next three months?

I share your pain. The 23^rd series of Strictly has just kicked off which means Saturday nights on BBC One from now until Christmas will be a riot of sequins, Elnett and loud eye make-up. Although not just BBC One. The show will also be endlessly discussed on the radio, in print, across social media and by — seemingly — all of your friends and relatives. People will develop favourites. People will cry when so-and-so is booted off. People will lose their minds when someone does a particularly ‘moving’ foxtrot.

If you’re a Strictly refusenik, like me, it’s a trying time. We’ve been putting up with this nonsense for 23 years. Twenty-three years of fevered debate about who’s going to be on it, who’s going to be paired with who, and who’s having an affair with their dancer. Obviously, in that time, it’s been impossible to avoid it entirely, so I have seen the odd show, but I remain baffled by the slavish devotion to a show that combines garish frocks with bad jokes from the judges and seems to drag on for nine hours. Don’t get me started on Halloween week.

On the other hand, I appreciate that it gives millions of people joy, that families gather around the telly together in anticipation like they used to in the olden days, and that it’s not just a television spectacle, but has also been a vehicle for social advancement. Having same-sex couples, for example, may have helped shift the bigotry of any homophobe watching it, although one has to query how many homophones exactly watch a show that’s 98% sequins?

To me, it’s simply terribly boring watching dubious ‘celebrities’ like Thomas Skinner drag themselves back and forth across a dance floor every week, and then submit himself to the same ‘comedy’ banter from the judging panel. And all the dances look the same to my, admittedly, fairly untrained eye. At least on Bake Off, a much more superior reality show, there’s a clear distinction between a Battenberg and a Garibaldi. Although some might say baking isn’t exactly exhilarating, either.

More recently, the show’s been tainted by accusations of bullying and exerting undue pressure on those taking part, which causes injuries and tears. According to a recent report, agents have started warning their clients not to take part, with one source this year joking that ‘danger money’ should be paid to anyone involved. Naturally, the BBC hit back saying this was nonsense but, really, by this point, after 23 years of the same, repetitive format, of the same endless filler and motivational chit-chat (‘I’m going to give it my all', ‘all you can do is your best’ and so on), might it be time for the corporation to give something else a whirl on Saturday nights?

Viewing figures are still very decent, but they’ve also fallen in the past few years — from a high of around 11 million every week in 2016 to around 8 million last year. Which means there’s a whopping chunk of the public still glued to it every weekend, but also, whisper it, a few of us who aren’t.

Not that you can publicly admit this, of course. You have to stay schtum to avoid seeming joyless. Instead, mug up on a few lines to fool the diehard fans. ‘Wasn’t Craig hilarious this week?’ or ‘that paso doble wasn’t up to much. She really needs to improve her footwork.’ That should do it. Best of luck between now and January.