Earlier this week, The Times ran a huge article about how awful it was to live in the countryside. The main complaints were that it was it was ‘very, very quiet’ and, at night, ‘very, very dark’. And green. What horrors! Worse still, everyone baked cakes, walked their children to school and was kind suspiciously so. The author should have gone further. Why not complain about the fresh air, the awful racket the birds make singing, and the complete lack of all that interesting and colourful graffiti? Recently, Country Life ran a national survey which showed that, given a choice, 60% of Britons would like to live in the countryside. The fools.

The population clearly has got to get a grip and realise how frightful it is. Why would anyone want to look at cows grazing by a millpond when you can be herded around the London Underground as if you were the real thing? Who would want to live near neighbours who talked to you? It’s time for everyone to leave the countryside to those strange people who actually like it. Surely our Government, always so eager to bring in new legislation, will make a law about it?

For more on the countryside visit www.countrylife.co.uk/countryside