'Doggy clothing is tragic': William Hanson's 39 steps to being a good dog owner
Etiquette? More like pet-iquette.
1 Pick up after your dog in public places and on farmland. No exceptions, no theatrics.
2 Carry extra bags; being prepared is the backbone of dignity, but never, ever, leave full ones hanging on trees.
3 ‘He’s never done that before’ is no excuse: train your dog.
4 Leads exist for a reason. Most dogs need them...
5 …but retractable leads should be banned in tight spaces.
6 Choose your dog’s name sensibly, as you’ll be calling it in public.
7 Accordingly, training your dog to respond to the whistle is more refined than screaming like a fishwife.
8 Recall should be instant, not interpretive.
9 Jumping up is not being ‘friendly’, it’s rude.
10 Similarly, muddy paws belong on the ground, not on strangers’ clothing.
11 Children are not chew toys.
12 ‘No dogs’ signs are not a suggestion. Observe them.
13 Barking at all hours is not ‘character’.
14 Doggy clothing is tragic.
15 Other people’s front gardens are not canine lavatories.
16 Some dogs are nervous; respect their space.
17 If a venue is clearly unsuitable, don’t insist on bringing the dog anyway.
18 Wet-dog smell is not a fragrance to be shared.
This dog is judging you for being an irresponsible owner.
19 There’s nothing funny about your pooch’s bad breath. Sort it out.
20 A collar with ID is the law.
21 If you happen to fart, blame it on the dog. Even if there isn’t one.
22 Begging at tables is ghastly. Bad in children, worse in dogs.
23 If cattle show an unnerving interest, let your dog go; they will chase it, not you.
24 When in the park, your dog requires your full attention, not your social-media feed.
25 Rough play is charming, until it isn’t. Intervene.
26 If your dog misbehaves, apologise properly and immediately.
27 And yes, pay for any damage without fuss.
28 Wildlife is not there for your dog’s amusement; don’t let it disturb ground-nesting birds.
29 On public transport, keep your dog close and unobtrusive. Carry them on escalators, even if yours is a Great Dane.
30 Groom your dog properly — overt scruffiness is not a lifestyle choice.
31 They say dogs look like their owners, so make sure yours is a hottie.
32 You may allow your dog on the sofa, but others may not. Respect their house rules.
33 A hot car is not a kennel, not even for 10 minutes.
34 Dogs don’t sign Christmas cards...
35 …but you can get away with buying them a Christmas present.
36 Dogs are designed to walk, not be carried in a handbag.
Absolutely not. Have some shame.
37 You shouldn’t have more dogs than you have friends.
38 Your dog is a reflection of you. Try not to disappoint.
39 Not everyone finds your dog as enchanting as you do: try to cope.
