Have you considered a dog? A snob's guide to heartbreak

Right, let's start with some tough love: I’m sorry, but there’s no cheat’s way through a break-up. It’s awful and it will be awful for a while. But then, one day, it will seem less awful. And then it’ll probably feel awful again for a bit, but then, suddenly, less awful.

It goes on like this for some time — a rollercoaster of emotions — depending on how long the relationship was and other factors. I did tell you it was tough.

If someone, in the early stages of your separation, tells you that it’s better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all, try not to kick them. Trite sayings (with due respect to Alfred, Lord Tennyson) can feel incredibly irritating in the weeds of a split.

Other people might tell you that it’s better to be the dumped than to be the dumpee, but I’m not sure this is true. Both can be woeful. When you are given half-baked advice or support, the best thing to do is smile and nod. Most people, however cackhanded, are only trying to help.

After my last break-up, wonderful friends rallied forwards with many suggestions: drink, don’t drink, eat junk food, only eat healthy food; watch bad telly; go for long walks; meditate; run; take melatonin for sleep; get back out there, and so on and so on. The truth is that some of these things might help, but some of them won’t. It’s a very subjective situation. However, I’m really not sure drinking is useful. After half a glass of wine last time round, I texted my former partner and told him that I missed him. He replied asking how best to go about retrieving the coat he'd left at my friend’s house. I stopped drinking for a few weeks after that.

Generally, a no-contact rule is the best way forward. Initially, it will feel impossible. A week? Are you joking? But slowly, unbelievably slowly, this will get easier. You'll wake up one day and realise that you've gone an evening without thinking about them; and a few weeks after that, a whole day. If there are children involved, or if you’re divorcing and there are legalities to arrange, no contact is obviously trickier. But minimal, pragmatic contact is still advisable.

In Belle Burden’s hit, au courant memoir, Strangers, she reveals that her husband asked her to make him a sandwich after telling their children that the marriage was over. Don’t do this.

If children are involved, don’t grumble about your ex directly to them or in earshot. It’s deeply confusing, if you’re a small person, to have your life suddenly split in two. More confusing still to discover that the two people you loved most suddenly hate one another. My parents were very mindful about this.

Try very, very hard to avoid looking your ex up on social media. Consider blocking them, not only because then they can’t see your profile, but crucially because you can’t see theirs. Again, this may seem inconceivable in the immediate aftermath of a break-up, but psychologically it’s a huge help.

If you’re looking for a therapist to help — even just a few sessions to get you through the first few weeks — ask for recommendations. It’s bandit country on the internet when it comes to therapists. Don’t make yourself feel worse by handing over too much money to someone entirely unqualified.

Lastly, have you considered a dog?