Sophia Money-Coutts: A snob's guide to airport etiquette

I often wonder whether it’s worth it. Is any holiday worth this, I think, as I stand in an airport security line at 6:34AM behind someone who’s decided to wear a safari jacket for his journey, holding everyone up at the security belt as he pats down 93 pockets and empties them. Sure, when you eventually get to Provence/Puglia/Paxos, it’s blissful, but you’ve suffered like Odysseus to get there.

Why must social niceties be abandoned at the airport? Normal rules are inexplicably suspended while wheelie-bags roam like feral animals, trays are shoved, and people mysteriously forget everything they’ve ever learned about queuing. Those with lounge access shouldn’t be too smug, either. I’ve seen feet in seats in lounges, and peculiar combinations of complimentary food piled high on plates (scrambled eggs and a spoonful of hummus, sir? That is bold).

Some years ago, in the lounge at Nairobi airport, I even witnessed a gang of hooligans, drunk on free champagne, playing a game of hide and seek among the armchairs and sofas, passing the time until their late-night British Airways flight to Heathrow. Admittedly, I was one of those hooligans, but in my defence it was some time ago. And the lounge was relatively empty.

Partly, of course, the decline in behaviour has been encouraged by the airlines treating us so badly, as if cattle, herded from one pen to the next. But I don’t believe we should lower our standards simply because Ryanair has. So consider these pointers a gentle reminder that manners need not be suspended when you arrive at Departures. 

• Do not wear a safari jacket to travel in. Even if you’re going on safari. And if you do insist on wearing a jacket with multiple pockets through the airport, please ensure that they’re emptied long before you arrive at the front of the security queue
• While we’re on the subject: dress. Ryanair recently declared that it was time to stop travelling in jeans, encouraging everyone to travel in tracksuits, or ‘comfies’ as others have dubbed them. Think Bella Hadid or Kendall Jenner, flying to or from LA — tracksuit, sunglasses, extremely capacious tote bag. If you’re not Bella Hadid or Kendall Jenner, is this a look you can pull off? Lumberjack-reality-star turned USA transport secretary Sean Duffy recently called for the ‘return of civility’ at airports with a campaign called ‘The Golden Age of Travel Starts With You.’ Amen. In my honest opinion, you can’t go wrong with a loose pair of trousers (Me+Em have plenty of options) and a little cashmere jersey
• If you’re taking a wheelie-bag with you as cabin luggage, do not allow it to drift behind you as you might a chaotic dog on a lead, running over other people’s feet and potentially taking out small children. Wheel with courtesy
• Do not forcefully shove your tray between others at the security belt. Pay attention, wait for a gap between them and move decisively. Pick your tray up and put it back on the pile at the other end, too. This is called manners
• Do not liberally douse yourself in competing fragrances as you stroll through Duty Free. This is likely to be unpleasant for whoever you sit next to on the plane
• Hen and stag parties: do you need that 63^rd drink in the airport Wetherspoons?
• Stand on the right of all moving walkways, please
• Try not to arrive at the front of the queue for passport control, or the gate, and decide that’s the moment to start rummaging in your bag for your paperwork because it may make the people behind you want to commit murder
• Have your passport or boarding pass in your hand, or on your phone screen
• Listen properly to the announcements at the gate. Do you have speedy boarding? Are you in a row they’ve actually called for? Don’t barge your way to the front of the queue otherwise and then become outraged when they turn you back
• At baggage reclaim, if you steal the plum spot of a fellow passenger waiting patiently, or heave your bag off the carousel and thwack anyone’s shins with your suitcase, I hope all your belongings are stolen while you’re away. Happy holidays!