Sophia Money-Coutts: A snob's guide to supermarkets and what to do when there's no Waitrose

Uh oh. Trouble in the Home Counties. The Haslemere branch of Waitrose is temporarily closed for refurbishment, not expected to open again until early March, and it’s causing immense distress in the area. No Waitrose? But how can anyone eat? Where else can locals buy Nocellara olives and Isle of Wight tomatoes? True, they can still get online deliveries, but it’s not quite as joyful as an actual trip to Waitrose, is it?

Go to a Waitrose and you can meander up and down the aisles at will, filling your trolley with posh tuna, cavolo nero and those nice shortbread biscuits. You know, all the essentials. Order online and you risk getting the bruised avocados and broken Burford eggs. Of course there are other supermarkets available, but one hardly wants to be seen shopping in them. Still, for the time being, Haslemere locals may have to look elsewhere, so here’s our guide to the other options:

• Sainsbury’s Perfectly decent but everyone knows it's a step or two down from Waitrose. Remember to take your Waitrose bags for life, so everyone else there knows this is only a temporary situation and you’re a cut above them
• Tesco The Polish builders seem to love it. Has a very well-stocked world food section, apparently
• Marks and Spencer We don’t eat ready meals as a rule. Nasty processed stuff, is it any wonder that this country has an obesity crisis? But the M&S ones are different, they’re not really ready meals. Delicious chicken curry. Almost as good as the one we had in Jaipur last year
• Aldi Don’t tell anyone, but we bought all of Poppy’s wedding champagne from Aldi. We simply instructed the waiters to hold their napkins over the label while pouring so the guests could tell. It’s awfully convincing. You’d never know it wasn’t Taittinger
• Lidl Useful for bits and bobs from Europe. German meats, Italian salamis, halfway decent burrata, that sort of thing. And their croissants aren’t bad. It’s not quite the same as being on the continent, but jolly close. Useful at Christmas-time too, for cake and panettone
• Morrisons Didn’t we drive past one up north once, on the way to Scotland?
• Co-op Frightfully tangy salt and vinegar crisps, and handy for the papers on the weekend, but the Co-op doesn’t sell much else you could possibly serve at a dinner party, and you’d be a bit embarrassed to be caught shopping in one
• Iceland Ha ha, trick question. This isn’t a supermarket, it’s the one Donald Trump wants to invade.
• Costco Oh yes, we send the cook there sometimes. Useful for shoot lunches, and loo roll
• Asda Don’t be silly