'Why do the Americans insist on calling a perfectly ordinary walk a hike?': A snob's guide to staying fit

Right, that’s it. January. Time to shift a few pounds. The stilton bulge is real, so, off to the gym, right? Wrong. Nobody grand would be caught dead in a gym. Sweat? Deliberately? In public? Don’t be so disgusting.

Posh sorts don’t exercise on purpose. Exercise is generally a by-product of another activity. One friend, let’s call him Max, doesn’t even own a pair of trainers. Only plimsolls for the odd game of tennis. Tennis, you see, isn’t deemed exercise, but a social activity. And if you happen to burn a few calories in the process, well, what a happy coincidence.

Other permissible forms of movement include walking the dog. Walking the dog is the most acceptable form of exercise, really, but never hiking (why do the Americans insist on calling a perfectly ordinary walk a hike?). The walks can be long or short, alone with the dog or more socially with other people, and probably in gumboots at this time of year, not in walking boots that suggest you may be a rambler. Rambling is not posh because it’s often carried out across other people’s land. Need to lose that excess Christmas weight? Simply increase the length of the dog walk. Stalking comes under this bracket too, because it’s essentially a very long walk up and down a hill.

Talking of which, shooting is an acceptable exercise, because it involves being outside, walking and lifting your arm up and down. You may also have to bend over, depending on who’s picking up the birds. Hunting and riding, obviously. Very good for those inner thighs. Fly-fishing? Marvellous for the core and biceps. A spot of beagling? Not for me, but each to their own.

I loathe skiing, but will allow that it’s a decent full body workout, especially if you do it like me, which means constantly falling over and having to push yourself up again while your legs wobble in terror.

Sailing, yes, another jolly good way to raise the old heart rate (sailing, take note, with ropes and sails, not pootling about on a vulgar motorboat). Scottish dancing will also raise the pulse, and not just because the men are wearing skirts. Golf is controversial because it smacks of executive cars and embarrassing socks, but some of you may insist it’s allowed. Fine, but can we keep the shiny polo shirts at bay?

No jogging, though. Too pedestrian. No cycling and no padel — too arriviste. No yoga, either, and absolutely no Zumba. You wouldn’t catch a duke in a Zumba class, would you? Exactly.