Sophia Money-Coutts: A snob's guide to making it through Dry January

January 1

Wake with tongue like sea cucumber. Right, that’s it. That really is it. No more drinking for a month. Feel size of house. Embarrassing number of bottles in the bin. Might fib to bin men about number of people who were here for Christmas. Order case of artisanal kombucha online.

January 2

One day down, yippee! Feel intense sense of wellbeing and optimism. All this fuss made about Dry January, but how hard can it be, really? And think of all the weight that’s going to drop off! And all the books you’re going to read in the evenings!

January 4

Definitely feeling perkier. Definitely sleeping better. Really getting into this. And kombucha is delicious. Maybe you’ll do it in February too? Or maybe you won’t drink forever? Perhaps that’s it now and you’ll simply be sober forever?

January 7

Overhear another parent at the school gate telling a joke: ‘How do you know someone’s doing Dry January?’ ‘Don’t know,’ replies another. ‘They’ll tell you,’ says the joke teller. Everyone laughs.

January 9

Hmmm. Friday night feels a tiny bit depressing without a drink, doesn’t it? Distract yearning for gin and tonic with yet another bottle of kombucha. Put ice in it to make it fancy.

January 10

Phew, ok, last night was tough but, still, it’s so satisfying to wake up without a hangover!

January 11

Stand on bathroom scales. You’re definitely thinner. Your stomach is definitely flatter. You reckon you could have lost half a stone already. Oh. Weird. The scales say you’ve lost one pound. Maybe scales are broken?

January 12

Getting bit sick of kombucha now.

January 15

Splosh a bit of wine in the gravy. Very tempted by a glass. Sniff bottle afterwards. Mmmm, lovely wine. A glass of red wine can’t be that bad, can it? Don’t doctors say red wine is actually good for you? Something to do with the heart?

January 17

Still haven’t finished a single book.

January 20

Friend’s birthday party. Tricky. Just one little glass of Champagne? One little drink? How bad is alcohol, really? The Queen Mother lived to 101 after all, and she was positively pickled in the stuff. Force yourself to have a fizzy water and become increasingly bad-tempered as everyone else gets drunk. Drunk people are so boring, you think crossly, and also they have terrible breath.

January 24

Scales still saying only one pound down. Order new scales on Amazon.

January 26

A Majestic catalogue arrives on the doormat with a special offer. Take Majestic catalogue to bed.

January 29

Never want to see a bottle of kombucha again.

January 31

Hurrah! Close enough. Open a bottle of wine. Maybe you’ll just have one glass?

February 1

Wake with tongue like sea cucumber.