The 12 types of hangover, from 'Backwards Binoculars' to 'Titanic', and how to cure them all

Just as two sunrises are never the same, no two hangovers are ever alike. There are the common basics to address — get yourself hydrated, move gently and consider a breakfast that will provide the best response from your body as well as your mind.

However, from here, things quickly diverge.

Sometimes your route to recovery will be fruit, perhaps a bacon roll, and I’ve even heard tell of the powers of an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. There will be those who firmly believe in a strong cup of coffee, yoga or a dip in the sea.

Be warned, however: any hangover roused too rapidly can send a surging torrent of bodily rage coiling from your core and must, therefore, be respectfully dealt with. As if it were a king cobra basking in a paddling pool, you should approach your hangover with the utmost care.

In my world, hangovers are categorised like hurricanes, displaying personality as well as power. Here they are, revealed at last. You have been warned…

Force 1. Sleeping Dragon

This is a sneaky one. It kicks in mid-morning and at first feels like a bilious ravine opening inside your soul, rising into a mountain of sleek thuggery. Your best strategy is to allow it to unfurl fully before ever-so-gently smothering it. A bowl of fresh fruit and a strong cup of ginger tea will have it bolting through the metaphorical cat flap in no time.

Force 2. Inverted Vertigo

Is the floor spinning up towards you? Congratulations, you have curated the hangover known as Inverted Vertigo, which is an easy one to solve. Toasted sourdough with melting butter is a fail-safe — you’ll know if you truly have vanquished Inverted Vertigo because, in my experience, the hangover eats the first round of toast and you find yourself mysteriously consuming the second round as if for the first time. Sorted.

Force 3. Crackling

This hangover has the unmistakable feeling of heat under your skin, that sense of being cooked in your own juices. Without wishing to cause you alarm, there is a strong possibility that your skin may turn into crackling if you don’t take the correct action, namely a warm bath to draw out the ghoulish heat. Read a book if you can.

Force 4. The Deceiver

The telltale sign that you’ve been had by the Deceiver is if you find yourself pressing ahead with drinking the next morning. Set aside that Bloody Mary, for your release from the clutches of the Deceiver is only possible after fashioning the very best lunch. Once this has been consumed, take a brief stroll before repairing to a chair or sofa and deploying a Pig Sleep (gently snoring, blissfully unaware that you are even human). The moment you awake, the real hangover kicks in, with the simpler symptoms of dry mouth and disorientation, and you should at this point rejoice: bedtime is not far away and tomorrow will be the best day of your life.

Force 5. The Slimer

Insatiable hunger? You’ve been slimed from within by the Slimer’s bottomless appetite. Stop preparing packet noodles, set aside your avocado toast and shun those overnight oats. The sole cure for the Slimer is to eat a chicken wrap with yoghurt, mayonnaise and grated cheddar. Season well and, after three hearty bites, the Slimer shall be banished for all time. Well, until next time.

Force 6. The Temple of Doom

Aaah, the Temple of Doom — when you wake up still tiddly and are caught somewhere between euphoria and dread. Drinking a pint of water and taking a long brisk walk, whatever the weather (preferably in the company of a cheery dog), will snatch back your day, and you’ll find your true path out of the temple. Whatever you do, do not keep drinking or you will risk your hangover barrelling into a double-header.

Force 7. Backwards Binoculars

Everything seeming far away, including sound? Yes, your brain has been hijacked by Backwards Binoculars. Take action and dance as if your life depends on it. Dance around the kitchen, take your strides around the drawing room, then break free to the garden, woodlands and hillsides until the shape of things has returned to normal.

Force 8. Personal Distillery

With the Personal Distillery, you believe that you are fine, but everyone else around you knows that your breath is a mist of neat spirit. What you must do is drink the purest fruit juice you can find and gently move your body in ways to dissipate the fumes. Yoga is my suggestion.

Force 9. Wicked Witch

You have turned green! Congratulations, but under no circumstances attempt to defy gravity. This is one of those moments when time is the only healer. By all means deploy Gaviscon, but also find a good long audiobook and settle in. I can warmly recommend The Silmarillion, which will be so strange to your ears that the greenness will make you fit right in with the eccentric antics in Tolkien’s underrated epic. Three hours in and you should be feeling better.

Force 10. Steamroller

If you find you are unable to get up from a supine position and you feel like a crab that’s been flipped over by a capricious gull, you have been Steamrollered. Get under a blanket and listen to Alfred Brendel playing Schubert’s Piano Sonata No 21 in B flat major, D960 — it is the perfect balm for your body. Your ability to walk upright will return with the closing serene bars about 15 minutes later.

Force 11. Titanic

This is an apex-category hangover with the uniquely awful feeling of seasickness, sinking and guts expanding everywhere all at once. It is a miasma of regret and must be dealt with fast. You need to anchor your mind with a gripping film and deploy meditative breathing punctuated with occasional crunching on a perfectly ripe apple to maintain your focus.

Force 12. The Kung-Fu Panda

There is a final hangover, the name of which I almost dare not utter, as according to legend it takes many days of determined cunning to defeat. It appears manageable and even friendly, but rest assured the Kung-Fu Panda is as forceful as dynamite. It can change rapidly from goofing around to wielding universe-ending spells that seem to be made up on the spot. The only way to defeat the Panda is with dumplings. I always keep some in the freezer, just in case I ever face this terrible foe.

‘Wine: Everything You Need to Know’ by Olly Smith is out now (Quadrille, £16.99)

This feature originally appeared in the December 31, 2025 issue of Country Life. Click here for more information on how to subscribe.