Porsche Cayenne: Pablo Escobar's off-roader is now a genuine all-in-one talent

You join me on a wet, cold, miserable day in the Peak District.

It is a day for wax jackets, wellies and a well-worn County-spec Land Rover, ideally the colour of sludge. I’m crawling through what Uncle Monty referred to in Withnail & I as ‘beastly mud and oomska’. It is not the ideal environment for a fire-engine red Porsche. Or is it?

There once was a time when the countryside would be scandalised if such an outré machine roared through Ashford-in-the-Water. ‘Who does he think he is, Pablo Escobar?’

The introduction of the Cayenne, the German manufacturer’s first SUV (and first four-door, come to that), in 2002 managed to supercharge Porsche sales, but was met with a certain amount of social derision, especially with the oncoming traffic down Britain’s narrow rural lanes. Driving that nouveau riche bauble, they’d mutter, he or she must be from ‘that there London’. It was an ugly duckling, too; a 911 looking into a funhouse mirror.

However, three things. Firstly, we’ve now grown so used to SUVs from luxury and sports car brands that we don’t get upset anymore, or proffer the international hand signal for onanism. Today, the driveways of the shires’ well-off middle classes are just as packed with Porsches as the parking bays of downtown Dubai. Secondly, the facelifted third generation car you see here is less an ugly duckling, more of a swan. And thirdly, the off-road technology that’s been developed by Porsche (who, let’s face it, are better at engineering than probably any other manufacturer on Earth) can probably take the Cayenne anywhere a Range Rover can reach. Really? Well let’s see.

Before that, there are some lifestyle boxes to tick. This trip to Derbyshire is all about embracing nature. The adventure starts at Wildhive, on the Callow Hall estate in Ashbourne, where we checked into timbered treehouses. We went foraging for mushrooms with a local mycologist who taught us what’s edible and what’ll have you crouched over on the loo for days (important safety tip, thanks Egon).

We also learnt knife skills! I thought that meant someone in our group would be tied to a big rotating wheel and we’d each get to throw daggers whilst blindfolded. Instead, Ben Edwards, the heavily-tattooed founder of bespoke knife-crafters Blok, gave us a workshop on how to slice and dice and sharpen your blade without having to go to A&E with a finger in an icebag. At which point, the expert chefs took over and we were treated to mouthwatering tomahawk steaks cooked under canvas.

So now we were at one with the terroir and how to gorge ourselves upon it. The Porsche Cayenne, to which I had the keys, was itching to get in on the act and launch itself into a field, too.

The Cayenne’s highly versatile all-wheel-drive system has specific modes for gravel, mud, sand and rocks, which helps it clamber over uneven surfaces and steep terrain effortlessly and, with adaptive air suspension fitted as standard, comfortably. I’m driving the £107,600 GTS model, which is the most outwardly sporty of the range and something of a sweet spot when it comes to hooning on tarmac.

Even though it’s less powerful than the Turbo, the GTS is sharper and more fun. It has a lowered ride height, which makes for a lower centre of gravity and better aerodynamics, but at the press of a button it raises itself on its suspension like a nightclub bouncer ready to inflict some sort of hurried and undemocratic exit. Its maximum ground clearance of 268mm is just 1.3cm shy of the Range Rover Sport’s max off-road height.

It manages to articulate itself over rocks and through bogs just as confidently as its British rival and never once scrapped its undercarriage. One does feel the urge to put the hammer down at inappropriate moments, such as blasting through deep fords with its 4.0 twin-turbo V8 at full song. The car has a wading depth of 525mm. I’m afraid I caused something of a tsunami in the River Derwent and nearly drowned a photographer.

When you switch the setting from Off-road to Sport, the car kicks off its wellies and dons sprinting spikes. The car hunkers down on its suspension, the whole thing stiffens, and its personality shifts from huntsman to that other sort of apex predator – the one that hones in on the curves of a race track. The GTS’s 493bhp yields a nought to 60 time of 4.4 seconds, and a top speed of 171mph. The more powerful, more expensive Range Rover Sport P530 Autobiography (£119,025 / 523bhp) can muster 0-60mph in 4.5s, and tops out at 155. The Porsche feels and sounds the pricier of the two, and superior in its engineering. It corners with more precision than any SUV this side of the Aston Martin DBX. In no way does it seem 30bhp down on the Rangie, because it's a quarter of a tonne lighter and you feel it in the turns.

Boasting a mix of punchy performance, chic luxury furnishings and genuine 4x4 skills, and built to a higher standard than the competition, the Cayenne GTS is a genuine all-in-one talent. Plus, maybe you want to be mistaken for Pablo Escobar.

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On the road: Porsche Cayenne GTS

Price: £107,600

Top speed: 171 mph

0-62mph: 4.4 seconds

Power: 493bhp

MPG: 22.3