Some days, there's just no point messing about with niceties when talking about properties. Today is one of those days, for the home on this page is completely bonkers.
Brilliant, yes. But crackers. If ever there was a home to put a smile of wonder and joy on your face, it's this one.
In the unlikely event that you haven't already scrolled down the page for evidence of what we're talking about, the property in question is a pair of magnificently beautiful Victorian water towers for sale with Heritage via OnTheMarket in the town of Halstead, a few miles east of Colchester, and on the road up to Bury St Edmunds.
The older of the towers was built in the middle of the 19th century, with the second, larger tower added in 1888, originally to supply a local yarn factory. Both are wonderful examples of that great Victorian quality of making the functional beautiful.
The towers' days of hard labour have long gone, but their conversion into a home — effectively split between a four bedroom main tower and the two bedroom tower annexe — has been done in quite breathtaking style. Which we mean literally: some of these images made us gasp.
The heavily-themed rooms are reminiscent of a quirky restaurant rather than a family home, yet the whole thing has been done with such great panache and sense of fun that it's hard not to grin. After all, how many people do you know who'd have giant 'WIZARD OF OZ' lettering installed in an otherwise spacious and comfortable living room?
The fun starts from the off, as you enter the tower to find a huge hall with a vintage motorbike, grand piano and a Wurlitzer jukebox in one corner. There are vintage advertising signs, film posters, antiques, modern furniture and perhaps the largest cheese plant we've ever seen outside an RHS greenhouse.
As you go up via one of the two staircases — one 'normal', the other a secret, hidden spiral staircase with direct access to the 5th floor — the fun continues. There's a Wizard of Oz room, a Les Miserables room (which is the fifth-floor atrium) and a huge kitchen-diner with extravagant purple lighting that gives it a 1950s American diner vibe.
That said, the owners' clear love for kitsch clearly doesn't mean they have no common sense: while the living spaces are reminiscent of Tom Hanks's apartment in Big, the bedrooms are a little calmer.
There is a virtual tour available from agents Heritage and it's well worth a look for the things that you wouldn't otherwise see: a 1950s Coca Cola machine, antique clocks and barometers lining the walls of the stairs, and so on. You can also take a look at the view from the roof, which looks out across the town to one side and across to fields and trees on the other.
The smaller tower is a two storey building with an open plan living space downstairs (which includes a glazed panel peering into the 300ft well fed by the River Colne), while upstairs the bedroom still has some of the original pipework remaining from when the tower was still in use.
Outside, there's a double garage, garden, patio and a pizza oven within the gated plot which the towers sit on.
There's no price on the house — how could there be, really? — but you'll be looking into seven-figure territory. The big questions, though, will surely be over the fixtures and fittings. After all, once you've seen a hallway with an immaculate vintage Norton parked in it, can you really go back to a motorbike-free living space?
For sale with Heritage Estate Agents via OnTheMarket — see more details and pictures.
Credit: Dylan Thomas
How architect Sandra Coppin sympathetically updated a Modern house in Wiltshire
‘Every element serves a purpose,’ says Sandra Coppin of the Modern property she updated for her own home, repurposing material
A futuristic home with glorious views, an indoor cricket pitch and a zipwire in the grounds
Steppingstone – a modern house in Cheshire with helipad, pool and football pitch – is truly something else, says Penny
A drawing room and kitchen-family room which show just what is possible when you blend old and new
The living and dining spaces of Chitcombe House in Dorset offer all manner of lessons in making a modern family
-
London's Tate Modern celebrates its 25th birthday with the help of a giant arachnid and crustaceous telephoneArtwork by Louise Bourgeois and Salvador Dali, among others, will be on display for the gallery's Birthday Weekender event.
-
'The watch is Head Boy of men’s accessorising': Ginnie Chadwyck-Healey and Tom Chamberlin's Summer Season style secretsWhen it comes to dressing for the Season, accessories will transform an outfit. Ginnie Chadwyck-Healey and Tom Chamberlin, both stylish summer-party veterans, offer some sage advice.
-
About time: The fastest and slowest moving housing markets revealedNew research by Zoopla has shown where it's easy to sell and where it will take quite a while to find a buyer.
-
A wisteria clad hall built by one of the founders of the Bank of EnglandCome for the history of Old Hall. Stay for the interesting interiors.
-
A gorgeous Scottish cottage with contemporary interiors on the bonny banks of the River TayCarnliath on the edge of Strathtay is a delightful family home set in sensational scenery.
-
Six rural properties with space, charm and endless views, as seen in Country LifeWe take a look at some of the best houses to come to the market via Country Life in the past week.
-
380 acres and 90 bedrooms on the £25m private island being sold by one of Britain's top music producersStormzy, Rihanna and the Rolling Stones are just a part of the story at Osea Island, a dot on the map in the seas off Essex.
-
A home cinema, tasteful interiors and 65 acres of private parkland hidden in an unassuming lodge in KentNorth Lodge near Tonbridge may seem relatively simple, but there is a lot more than what meets the eye.
-
A rare opportunity to own a family home on Vanbrugh Terrace, one of London's finest streetsThis six-bedroom Victorian home sits right on the start line of the London Marathon, with easy access to Blackheath and Greenwich Park.
-
A tale of everyday life as lived on Britain's most expensive streetWinnington Road in Hampstead has an average house price of £11.9 million. But what's it really like? Lotte Brundle went to find out.
