There are several important things to observe about the following houses. First of all, they're absolutely beautiful, each and every one, whether classical or chrome. Secondly, they're all marvellously equipped with private cinemas, spa complexes and staff quarters nicer than most family homes. Thirdly, and most crucially, if everyone I call friend in the world contributed all of their wealth and riches to its purchase (we'd all fall far, far short of a single cool mil each, to be fair) I still wouldn't be able to afford a single one. And that, my friends, is life.
St James' s Park – £55 million
It's exactly what you would expect for this location and this price point. A gorgeous townhouse quite literally a stone's throw from Buckingham Palace, the seven floors at Buckingham Gate span 14,227 square feet.
Everything you could think of lies on those floors; a media room, five dressing rooms, six large bedrooms with en suites (plus two rooms for the inevitable staff), two private terraces, two balconies, a bar, a pool, a gym, a sauna, a treatment room and 24-hour concierge services, whatever that means in a private residence.
For sale with The Cloister. See more pictures and details about this property.
Mayfair – £40 million
The plot of this ambassadorial residence is called 'generous' in the listing, and if that's the case, my aforementioned friends need to step up their generosity. Situated on the 'favoured' side of St. John's Wood (I take that to mean the side away from Edgware Road and my second-year student house), it's close to Regent's Park, Primrose Hill and a short, jetpack-fuelled skip and jump from the West End.
With four floors and seven bedrooms, including a palatial games room, a private cinema and a private gym, it's unlikely that the new owners will ever need to explore the wonderful world of opportunity that stands on their doorstep. If they did venture outside, they'd discover that they're perfectly located for all that London offers to its residents. All for under £50 million.
For sale with Beauchamp Estates. See more pictures and details about this property.
Highgate – £40 million
Heathfield Park, also priced provisionally at £40,000,000, is an actual house, would you believe it. Inside the M25? Madness.
The site spans a whole 2 acres, including the main house and a substantial 5-bedroom staff lodge with could be a multi-million pound home on its own. The highlight of the house is it's stunning dining room with chandelier-like decoration and views out over the lovely garden. Or its fully-equipped spa. Or its master bedroom, complete with two bathrooms. I could go on.
For sale with Knight Frank. See more pictures and details about this property.
Belgravia – £37 million
We now move to a different park, where a home on Wilton Crescent has come onto the market, minutes away from Hyde Park in the centre of Knightsbridge.
All the usual suspects are here, too; a media room, a swimming pool with a gym and eight pristine bedrooms. The drawing room is extremely elegant, with views out over the crescent gardens. In terms of transport links, this property is a few minutes from Knightsbridge, with easy links to the Victoria Line, the only effective tube line in London except for two hours last winter where it stopped completely and left me stranded at Vauxhall.
For sale with Knight Frank. See more pictures and details about this property.
Hampstead – Price on Application
It seems that, if you want a detached house for over £35 million, you have to go north of the river; this prime suspect, sitting on the 'Billionare's Row' of London, is one such beast. Sitting on two and a half acres of glorious gardens, Barons Court has been owned by the same family since 1976. This is understandable, because the logistics of photographing so large a property boggle the mind.
As a result, there are no internal pictures of the illusive mansion that is Kenwood House, but the phrases 'create one of London's finest homes' and 'development potential' in the brochure suggest that a fair bit of work on the owners side might be needed to bring it in line with some of the other houses in this roundup. However, standing at 18,277 square feet (so far), it's definitely an exciting opportunity for one very lucky, very rich family.
For sale with Savills. See more pictures and details about this property.
If this list has depressed you deeply, why not have a look at all the beautiful, character properties one could purchase for under £400,000?
Credit: Arkwright & Co
45 great places to live within an hour of London
There are literally thousands of places where you can live outside of London but still get to the city inside
50 best places to live near London
The indispensable guide for getting into the country without ending up out of touch with the town.
Credit: Tracey Bloxham
The beautiful railway station which became a stunning Northumberland family home
Credit: Savills
A 1930s modernist house by William Lescaze, set on a marvellous 14th-century 1,200 acre estate
All of the benefits, none of the fuss; that's 4 Warren Lane offers as a wonderful house in the centre
Credit: On The Market
Picture-perfect country cottage with a dreamy English country garden
Church Cottage is the idyllic countryside family home for everyone, including Alexandra Fraser, who takes a look at its many
Credit: Savills
A stunning Arts-and-Crafts country house, with six bedrooms and a swimming pool
An easy commute into London is quickly becoming a staple for any country house hoping to leave the market in
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About time: The fastest and slowest moving housing markets revealed
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A wisteria clad hall built by one of the founders of the Bank of EnglandCome for the history of Old Hall. Stay for the interesting interiors.
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380 acres and 90 bedrooms on the £25m private island being sold by one of Britain's top music producersStormzy, Rihanna and the Rolling Stones are just a part of the story at Osea Island, a dot on the map in the seas off Essex.
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A home cinema, tasteful interiors and 65 acres of private parkland hidden in an unassuming lodge in KentNorth Lodge near Tonbridge may seem relatively simple, but there is a lot more than what meets the eye.
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A rare opportunity to own a family home on Vanbrugh Terrace, one of London's finest streetsThis six-bedroom Victorian home sits right on the start line of the London Marathon, with easy access to Blackheath and Greenwich Park.
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A tale of everyday life as lived on Britain's most expensive streetWinnington Road in Hampstead has an average house price of £11.9 million. But what's it really like? Lotte Brundle went to find out.
