'You don't want to be cast out of Car Park One, do you?: A snob's guide to Royal Ascot picnics

First up, a little tip on pronunciation. It’s not As-cot, it’s more As-coot, as in soot. That’s how to sound as if you’ve been going for years. Also, you need to understand the car park hierarchy. The smartest place to park and set up one’s picnic is Car Park Number 1, where those who’ve been going to Ascot for years park their Range Rovers. Other 4x4s are available.

Arrivals here start early as everyone finds their allotted place and unfurls the furniture and food from the boot. We’re not talking a mere picnic blanket. There will be tables, folding chairs and tablecloths. There may be gazebos, pitched hopefully to protect racegoers from the sun, but more usually to keep off the drizzle. Set them up, but be mindful not to spill into the space of whoever’s parking beside you. Terrible faux-pas to allow your garden chairs to encroach on their patch of grass. Wars have been launched for less.

Nor are we talking M&S sandwiches when it comes to the grub. There will be cold beef fillet, cooked in the Aga that morning and swaddled in tinfoil like a newborn baby. There may be a side of poached salmon. Coronation chicken (the secret ingredient is peach yoghurt, says a long-time Ascot attendee who always takes coronation chicken) is another popular choice. Some sort of picnic centrepiece, in other words.

Don’t forget the condiments, said in an ironic tone, to denote the word is faintly infra dig. Horseradish, hollandaise, mustard. There will be lots of things in jars and salt crystals in a very tiny Tupperware. A quiche, perhaps, and warm baby potatoes served from a thermos. There will also be Champagne (and plenty of it) from a cool box. A few years ago, when I last went with a friend who worked for Berry Bros, there was an ice-cold Jeroboam. Deeply civilised.

And then, just as you’ve relaxed back into your folding chair and you’re thinking another glass and sliver of beef might be in order, it’s up and across the road for the first race. Of course, this doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll actually see a horse. Plenty of people simply mill around the enclosure and don’t bother much with the racing. But technically you are there for the racing, so it’s good form to show a smidgen of interest before you all come back to the car park after the last race and tuck into tea.

The traffic will be murder if you leave now, so you might as well hang about for a while. A fruit cake and coffee from a flask; a homemade flapjack; a glass of wine. Some attempt a cheeseboard, but this can turn manky in the boot of a warm car. If you’re in the mood for music by this point, don’t blast it too loud from the car. Again, be mindful of your neighbours. You don’t want to be cast out of Car Park One next year, do you?